The starting-on-time thing.

New York City shows never starts on time. The show says it starts at 8:00pm but it doesn’t get started until 8:15. Why is that? I’ve taken the liberty of trying to explain part of it:

First, a look behind the scenes:

A producer creates a show and gets comics/musicians/actors to agree to perform in it. The show is to begin at 8:00pm. At 7:50pm on the night of the show, the producer will say, “Ten minutes until show time” and everyone backstage swoons with anticipation. Then 8:00 will come and someone will say, “Okay, time to start the show,” and the producer will say, “Well, people are still filing in, let’s give them a few minutes to sit down.” And everyone agrees that starting the show when people are still walking in the door, finding their seats and getting settled would be distracting and annoying. So they wait. After all, shows never start on time. Everyone knows that.

Now, what’s happening outside:

Being supportive awesome friends, a group of people decide they want to see their friend perform on a stage. They all agree to meet at the venue at 7:45pm. That will give them enough time to grab a drink at the bar and get seated. Then one of them is a few minutes late. He arrives at 7:55pm and is apologetic and spends a few minutes explaining his delay to his friends. Before the show, everyone realizes that they should go to the bathroom. But since everyone had this idea simultaneously and this is a tiny New York venue, there is a big long line. Everyone waits. No one is anxious. After all, shows never start on time. Everyone knows that.

Do you see what’s happening here? The show is late because the audience is late and the audience is late because the show is late . It’s a vicious cycle. Better yet, here’s a graphic:

I’m not offering any solutions.  I’m just getting it out there for the good people, both performers and audience, who have said, “Aw poo, nothing starts on time in this city!”

I used four colons to make my point. Is that too many?

How the show goes.

After doing comedy a while, I’ve noticed that there is a science to whether or not I have a good set on a given night.  And since a picture speaks a thousand words, I have created this handy chart to illustrate the results of my scientific research.  Here is how you can know how your set will go:

That’s all there is to it.  I hope this research helps a young aspiring comedian out there.

The Rules.

I’m sure I’m not the first to come up with the idea of a list of rules or guidelines for stand-up comedians.  Unfortunately, this idea runs counter to comedic philosophy.  In the comedy world, you are constantly told that there are no rules or that any rules are meant to be broken.  It’s a world where for every rule, you can find several exceptions.  And yet, I still find the need to make a list of rules – rules of etiquette that I feel should be obvious.  Keep in mind, I don’t dare fancy myself an authority on this stuff.  I’m a simple comedian, trying to make it big.  If I were an expert, I’d be big already, right?  I’m still learning, still growing, so maybe I’m still new enough to think there should be some rules.  Here’s my first one:

Rule number 1: Don’t insult people just for coming to see you perform.

I see this all the time.  There’s a show that’s not well attended and there are only five people in the audience.  Five kind-hearted normal people who came out to have a good time, see some comedy and have a chuckle.  These are not five people who came out to be berated and insulted for not being 40 people.  They can’t help it.  These are the people who showed up.  When comedians take out their aggression on a small crowd for not being a bigger crowd, it makes me cringe.  It makes everyone uncomfortable and makes these poor innocent people not ever want to see live comedy again.

This happens: The comedian will come out and say, “Look at you five idiots.  Why are you here?  Didn’t you losers have anything better to do tonight?”  No, they paid to come out and see you entertain them.  They should be thanked.  They shouldn’t have to defend themselves for being a small audience.  Again, that’s not their fault.  It’s like throwing a birthday party to which no one comes and then yelling at the one friend who does show up.  It defies logic, it’s uncomfortable and it’s rude.

Unless they make it abundantly clear that they deserve otherwise, always be nice to your audience.  Your small audience of today is your big audience of tomorrow.  Each one of those five people could have five friends who have five friends and you need that kind of exponential admiration to fill Giant’s Stadium one day.  So be nice.

Ima be, Ima be, on ya phone.

I’m not sure this qualifies as the coveted “TV cred” but it’s still pretty damn cool.  I do a set, it goes up on a website and can then be downloaded onto your mobile device.  Soon, you’ll be able to watch my stand-up on the go:  In your car while driving high speeds, in a movie theater while watching a boring movie, on an above-ground outer-borough  train while on your way to do something cheaper than it is in Manhattan.  This is very exciting for me.  I’m a little nervous because my material has to be prime-time clean.  (Does the word “orgasm” count as clean these days?)  Anyway…

I’d love to have some audience love for the taping, which is FREE as a bird.  (As a bird would fly, not as it would cost if you bought a dead one to consume, and not as a caged zoo bird either.)  I can also personally promise that five of the other comedians are very funny gifted performers.  It’s going to be a fun night!

Here are the deets:

Comedy Time TV
Live Show Taping
Monday April 19, 2010
9:00pm (doors open at 8:30)

Broadway Comedy Club
318 W. 53rd St.
NY, NY 10019

Hope you can make it out to laugh at the things that I say.

The baby.

You think about it. You plan it. You talk about it with those closest to you. The pros, the cons, the fears, the hopes, and the expectations. Most friends encourage you. Some friends discourage you. You judge people who’ve done it before. You think about how you’d do it differently, better. You take notes on that they did right and wrong. You get advice from people you trust and even some advice from random strangers on the internet. Finally, you decide to do it and you want to tell the world: You’re becoming a vegetarian! No, wait: You’re having a baby! No, wait: You’re producing your own comedy show! THAT’S what I’m doing. (Those first two things are for nut-bags.*)

That’s right. The time has come. I’m producing my own monthly show. My goal is to create the kind of comedy show that I’d want to go see. I want it to be cheap for the patrons, relaxed for the comics, and fun for everyone. And, most importantly in a comedy show, I’m booking comics that I think are funny and want to see more of. I’m selfish that way, I guess. I gave a lot of thought to the venue and I think I found the perfect place. Stone Creek is a awesome bar/restaurant with a great back room and surprisingly good food.

Each month will have a theme topic to get the ball rolling. April’s theme is terrible advice. Giving it or getting it or the results of either. I can’t wait to hear the cringe-worthy stories. My show is at 7pm so you can have dinner while you watch the show and the food counts as the drink minimum. It’s really the perfect show and I’m so excited that I birthed it myself. Won’t you come out and have a drink and a laugh with us?  It’s a christening!

Disruptive Influence Comedy Show
Thursday, April 8, 2010
7:00pm – 8:30pm
Stone Creek
140 E. 27th St. (Off Lex.)
FREE SHOW! 2 drink minimum; food is a drink

Hope to see you there. Bring a few friends!

*PS: Just kidding about people having babies and being vegetarians being nut-bags.  If it’s one class of people you don’t fuck with, it’s vegetarian parents.  Talk about pent up rage.  Yikes.

Come to my show!

Cruise Bingo Results! Hint: BINGO!

Some say it was too easy.  Some say it was too mean.  Some say they just want to see the results.  So, without further ado, here are the results of Cruise Bingo.

I tried to get as many pictures for proof as I could so here are the pictures:

Some notes:

The Titanic joke was made within the first few hours of the cruise during the lifeboat drill.

Pirate costumes have changed to the “sexy” Johnny Depp style as opposed to the “Yarrrr” classical pirate.  Both qualify as idiots, however.

I really dislike that cruise ships make diners dance at dinnertime.  But two of the bingo squares were completed as the waitstaff pretended to think a “spontaneous” conga line was something “fun” to do while eating a meal.  There was also a waitstaff rendition of Y-M-C-A that makes me shutter with embarrassment to remember it.

I think because of the time of year, the age of the average cruiser was about 163.  Thus, finding a group of fratty guys was particularly difficult.

My “fat guy in cut-off sleeves” isn’t really fat enough but whatever.  YOU take a cruise and do your own damn bingo.  Jeez.

All in all, a fun cruise.  Then I came home, hosted/produced The Williamses Show and after that, I went to San Francisco for a weekend to do a coupla gigs, including 5 Funny Females at The Purple Onion.  So far, 2010 is a friggin’ whirlwind!

How many funny Williamses are there?

Apparently, a lot.  I collected them and gently tricked them into performing all together for one night only.  They are all amazingly funny and I’m so psyched to be the one bringing them together.  This show is my gift to humanity.

So please come check it out!

The Williamses Show:

A Williams-based comedy show starring only the best Williamses NYC has to offer:

Elaine Williams
Justin Williams
Kath Williams
Kevin J. Williams
Neruda Williams
Chao Williams

Tuesday, February 2nd
9pm
The Richmond Shepard Theater
309 East 26th Street (off 2nd Ave.)
$9, no drink min.

Click here for the Facebook event.

Also, check out my super cool flier with fancy purple stars and drop shadows and everything.  Who says PowerPoint 2007 has nothing to offer?

See you there, friends!

I gots the FoMO.

I was recently introduced to a concept that resonated with me.  It’s called FoMO.  (Not to be confused with “mofo” which is short for “motherfucker.”)  No, my new favorite concept is FoMO which stands for “Fear of Missing Out.”  In a sentence: “I was exhausted but I had some serious FoMO so I forced myself to go out anyway.”  It’s when you’re sitting around and there’s a party/event/gig that you’re not sure if you want to attend but then you realize that your fear is that if you don’t go, you will miss something.  Nothing is worse than leaving a party and having your friends tell you the next day that you missed this amazing wild thing that happened right after you left.  But you don’t want to be the loser who refuses to leave a party either.  I’ve tried perfecting the art of leaving a party once I’ve determined that nothing else interesting will happen.

When I was little, my mother had a hard time convincing me to go to bed.  Not because I was difficult, but because I was sure that after I went to sleep, all the interesting things would happen.  Adult things, secret things.  The worst was when mom was having friends over and I’d have to go to bed early.  I’d lay in bed and listen to the waves of grown-up laughter downstairs.  It infuriated me that adults could laugh so hard and not even think of including me.  I think this early-development FoMO is what made me want to make people laugh.  Oh, to be on the inside track of what makes the grown-ups downstairs laugh.

In college, I had a job in a bakery.  The job required me to be present and on my game at 5:00am.  That’s an ungodly hour for anyone, let alone a college student, to have to fake being awake.  It was FoMO that kept me at parties until 4:00 where I would reluctantly excuse myself to go home, shower, change and go off to work.  FoMO prevented me from sleeping for months at a time.  And, in FoMO’s defense, it was all worth it.  It’s the wacky adventures that makes people long for their college days.  (Certainly not the exams and papers.)

And now, I have FoMO for comedy gigs manifested in the fear that if I don’t get out and do comedy every night, I will miss something.  Some key element that will help propel my comedy career to the top — finally wording a new joke perfectly, a fateful meeting with a soon-to-be famous producer, bombing or killing so extremely that I really learn something — I don’t want to miss any of that.  I did a gig last Saturday that ended at 7pm.  Afterward, all the comics were talking about which gig they were off to next.  I already had non-comedy-related plans with friends that I was looking forward to, but damn, did I feel the FoMO for all the gigs was wasn’t doing Saturday night.

Life is nothing if not a balancing act.  Lately for me, the balance seems to have four rings:  Comedy, things-I-do-to-pay-rent, socializing and sleep.  I’m assuming that some of these  will converge in the future.  (Can’t I make money doing comedy with my friends in my sleep?  Let’s get on that!)  Often, when I’m doing one, I have FoMO for another, which I know is a terrible and very un-Zen thing to say.  And sleep is the first to go since I can’t really miss anything (except sanity) while sleep.  Ah, FoMO, the best new acronym for disquiet that regulates my life.

It’s happening.

Troy Bynum and I are doing a show together! Some awesome lunatic thought it wise to give us complete creative control to do whatever we want for an evening. We’re making magical comedy together and we want you to come and watch us through the peephole of your soul. Troy and I wouldn’t put together a show that we wouldn’t want to see ourselves.  There will be laughter and there will be tears but there will also be no tears and all laughter. Really, we have no idea what it will be like. I should seriously call Troy and ask him. It’s on my list. Here’s what we do know: it will be a fun night that you’ll want to tell your grandchildren about.

Come out and see us:

Tuesday, May 19th, 9pm
The Carrie and Troy Tomfoolery Hour
Richmond Shepard Theater
309 East 26th (Bet. 1st and 2nd Aves)
$9, no drink min!

I’m very excited about this project. It’s like planting a seed that grows into an apple tree and then picking a fresh apple and eating it while you write and produce a comedy show and then invite people to come see it.  It’s that feeling.

Can’t wait!

NOTE:  If for some reason you can’t make this show, I have a very important show at Gotham on May 27th.  It’s industry night so fancy men in suits and nice watches will be there and I could certainly use some audience love.   Look to the right for details.

Happy New Year!

Travels, travels, travels. When a friend calls up and says, “I have to move from New York to Denver,” I don’t even wait to be asked. I immediately offer, “Do you need help driving your stuff?” What motivates me is the lure of the all American roadtrip. I love it. I love the open road and the scenery and the feeling of accomplishment. I love the road food and the truckers and the truck stops and the pumping gas and the music and laughter. And, of course, I have a feeling there is a country worth of material out there, waiting for me to find it, develop it and spew it from the stage.

The trip was great fun. Driving is not without it’s stresses, of course. There were bugs in the first hotel. There was a tire blow out going 75 mph in Arkansas. This was after my confident assurances to my nervous friend that “Tires are designed to NOT blow out on the highway. That’s all they are designed to do.” Duh. I was pretty much asking for it with that statement.

Flew the red eye back from Denver on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Recovered until Monday. And then Thursday, I flew out to get to a wedding in St. Thomas. Or, at least attempted to. New York’s LaGuardia airport has amongst the worst record in the world for being on time. I had less than an hour to make my connection in Atlanta and I missed it. Delta said I would be delayed a whole day. Fuckers didn’t even want to consider getting me on another flight with another airline. So, a night in the Comfort Inn at the Atlanta airport. Don’t recommend it.

St. Thomas is lovely – warm sunny beaches, great food, plenty of rum punch. But man, is it expensive. And now I’m back. Back in the cold. Back to buckling down and making an effort to fulfill my new year’s resolutions and make a go at this comedy thing. No one succeeds doing comedy half-assedly. So, with that in mind, come see me in Danny Leary and Becky Donohue’s new brain-child. This is going to be good, seriously.

Friday, January 30th
Don’t Tell Mama
The Cocktail Show
343 W. 46th St. (Between 8th and 9th Aves)
Free drink just for walking in the door!
8:45pm doors open, 9:15pm show
$15 cover without a reservation
$10 cover with a reservation
2 drink minimum
Cash only
Reservations: http://www.donttellmamanyc.com
or 212-757-0788 after 4pm daily

See you there!