Archive for January, 2011

24 Hours in ONE DAY?

I’m shopping for a new bank. I really don’t think that “24-hour ATMs” are quite the selling point they once were. In this modern age, I expect an ATM to be available 24 hours a day. It shouldn’t be the first bullet point in your short list of reasons why I should do my business with your bank. It’s like the hotel that still advertises “Color TV” in its ads. Really? ALL the colors? On one TV? Wow.  Sign me up.  Welcome to the future.

January 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm 1 comment

The No-Legs Diet.

Happy new year!  I trust everyone had a happy good time as the year changed from one to the next.  After eating nothing but beef and pork for about a month to “celebrate the holidays,” my resolution is to practice my famous diet called The No-Legs Diet.

The No-Legs Diet is this: I will not eat the flesh of an animal that had legs at the time of its death. Meaning, I can eat fish and eggs but not beef, pork, chicken or any sea creature that crawls.

When I first came up with this diet, I explained it to a few friends. People love to try to find loopholes in my awesome diet plan. I think the Frequently Asked Questions about this diet are far more entertaining than the diet itself. In that vein, I present to you:

Frequently Asked Questions about the No-Legs Diet. (Actual questions I’ve gotten over the years.)

Reminder: The No-Legs Diet involves not eating the flesh of an animal that had legs at the time of its death.

1. Can you eat an egg?
Yes, an egg is an embryo and thus has no legs and is thereby edible under the terms of this diet.

2. Can you eat a mutant cow that was born with no legs?
Yes, a mutant cow born with no legs would be edible under this diet. However, I would need proof that it was such a cow.

3. Similarly, can you eat a mutant salmon that was born with legs?
No, under the rules of this diet, I would not be able to eat a mutant salmon born with legs.

4. Do tentacles count as legs?
I get this question a lot. Tentacles do not count as legs. I define a leg as an appendage which includes one or multiple joints. Therefore, I can eat squid but not shrimp.

5. If there was a freak cow born with legs that didn’t have any joints, thus not a leg by your definition, could you eat that?
Yes, but again, I would need proof of said cow.

6. What about clams, oysters and mussels?
Those are all fine. While they have an appendage that resembles a foot, I don’t consider it to be a leg and therefore, those are acceptable.

7. What about spiders?
No, I wouldn’t be able to eat spiders under the terms of this diet.

8. What about worms?
Yes, I would be able to eat worms while adhering to this diet.

9. How long can you possibly keep this up?
Luckily, I already failed and had some turkey by mistake like an idiot.  But I’m back on track and will continue my super fantastic diet until I don’t feel like it any more.  Won’t you join me?   I’m hoping it catches on and I can sell the book rights.

10. Is this the same diet that Jane Gavin wrote about on the famous Jane’s Plastic Brain Train blog on April 10th, 2007?
Yes – with slight changes. You win a prize for knowing that.

January 2, 2011 at 11:28 pm 2 comments

Come see me!

Next shows:

Thursday, December 1st
Ed Sullivan On Acid Comedy Show
The Duplex
61 Christopher St
New York, NY

Sunday, December 11th
Jazz on the Park


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January 2011