Top Ten Hurricane Irene Social Media Clichés.

What a crazy weekend!  Now that it’s all over and most of us survived, we can look back and have a chuckle.  I was glued to Facebook and Twitter for the storm and noticed some trends.  And I’m certainly guilty of a few of these (definitely #1 and #10).  How many did you do?  Can you think of any that I missed?

In no particular order, here are The Top Ten Hurricane Irene Social Media Clichés:

1) Booze as emergency supplies.

Example: Pictured: A gallon of Jack Daniels.  Caption: “Emergency supplies!”

2) Equating things a hurricane does to sexual things a woman might do.

Example: “Blows,” “Gets you wet,” and “Weakens.”

3) Reports of coffee establishment status.

Example: “OMFG! Starbucks is closed!”

4) Saying “Good night, Irene.”

5) Changing the lyrics from Dexys Midnight Runners’ song “Come on Eileen” to “Come on Irene.”

6) Mentioning the person in your life named Irene and personifying the storm accordingly.

Example: “Not to worry, if Hurricane Irene is anything like my cousin Irene, it just means we’ll get an ugly sweater for Christmas.”

7) Picture of fallen tree.

8 ) Being disappointed in the downgrade to tropical storm.

Example: “Is that all ya’ got, Irene?!”

9) Being horrified that other people are disappointed it was downgraded to tropical storm.

Example: “How can you be upset by a downgrade?  Just be glad everyone is safe.”

10) Reports about what peoples’ parents are saying or doing.

Example: “My mother just called and told me to get an umbrella. Uh, thanks, Mom.”

The words are either this or that. I’m not sure.

I love the song “The Choice is Yours” by Black Sheep.  Recently, it’s gotten a resurgence of popularity because of those wacky hamsters in the Kia commercial.  I realize I’ve been singing the lyrics to this song since it came out in the early 90’s.  I sing ’em loud and proud, assuming for almost 20 years that I know every single word.  It’s occurred to me lately that I might not know the correct lyrics.  So… as an experiment, I will transcribe what I believe the words are and then look them up and see where I’ve gone wrong.

Here are the actual lyrics of the song.  The words I got correct will be in green and the words I screwed up will be in red.  The words I thought they were are below.  I wish I could put these side by side for more visual ease.  Some of my mistakes are quite hilarious.

Yo! Who’s the Black Sheep, what’s the Black Sheep?
Know not who I am, or when I’m coming so you sleep
Wasn’t in my room or wasn’t in this sphere
Knew not who I was, but listen here
Dres, D-R-E-S, yes I guess I can start
If it’s all right with you, I’ll rip this here one apart
Back, Middle, to the front, don’t front
Wanna a good time, wanna give you what you want
Can I hear a hey? [Hey!]
Now get a yo! [Yo!]
You gotta hay? [Huh!]
It’s for the hoes [Oh!]
The styling is creative, Black Sheep of the Native
Can’t be violated, or even decepticated
I got brothers in the Jungle, cousins on the Quest
Dead retarded uncles, in pea porridge may they rest
Guess, which way, what, when, how
Mista Lawnge, Dres, Black Sheep slam NOW
Know you heard the others, phonies to the lovers
Then of course, the choice is yours

You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is where it’s at
You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is kinda phat

Where’s the Black Sheep, here’s the Black Sheep
Even if we wanted to the flock could not be weak
Watch me swing like this, why should I swing it like that,
Because in fact, on me it might not attract
Therefore, I ignore, do as I feel inside
I live with me, I’ve got my back tonight
Ya know what I’m saying, yo Black, I’m not playin’
Need to go with this, and go with this with no delayin’
See, in actuality, one be can it be,
I made it look easy, because it is to me
Any time capacity was filled, try to rock it
Any time a honey gave us play, tried to knock it
Never was a fool, so we finished school
Never see us sweat, and you’ll never see us drool
Out to rock the globe while it’s still here to rock
Don’t punch girls, and we don’t punch a clock
Gotta go, gotta go, see you later by the cat
And you can’t beat that with a bat

You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is where it’s at
You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is kinda phat

Engine, engine number nine
On the New York transit line
If my train goes off the track
Pick it up, pick it up, PICK IT UP!

Back on the scene
Crispy and clean
You can try, but then why?
Cause you can’t intervene
We be the outcast
Down for the settle
Won’t play rock
Won’t play the pebble
Open the door
You best believe
We’re slidin’
Through it swiffft-ly

Niftily
We can make it
Hip to be
What we are
‘Cause
What we be
Be the epitome
Do Dah Dippity

So now I dwell
Just to say your plainer
Pull your coat
Cause I got the container
Pass the plate-ah
Cross the fader
Black Sheep get played
Like the Sony Innovator
Never the traitor
Party of later
And you can get a scoop
Later

I did a lot better than I thought I would.  I can’t believe what I thought was “do as I philaside” was actually “do as I feel inside” and that “deppa dawn and uncles” was actually “dead retarded uncles.”  And what the hell is “decepticated”?  Also, “Know you heard the others, phonies to the lovers” was not what I had been singing all along: “Know ya hurba hubbas, call yourself a lover” — that’s surprising.

Here are the words I transcribed first, as I thought they were, nonsense words and all:

Yo, who’s the black sheep, what’s the black sheep
Know not who I am or when I come inside your sleep
Wasn’t in your realm or in your sphere
Know not who I was b’nest then here
Pres, P-R-E-S
Yes, I get second start
If it’s alright with you, I’ll rip this here gun apart
Back, middle to the front, don’t front
Want a good time, gonna give you what you want
Can I hear a hey? Hey!
A giddio? Yo!
Ya got a have? It’s for the house
Cause darling it’s creative
Black sheep of the native
Can’t be violated or even decepticated
I got brothers in the jungle
Cousins on a quest
Deppa dawn and uncles, in the car is where they rest
Yes, which way, what way, how?
Mr. Long dress, black sheep slam now
Know ya hurba hubbas
Call yourself a lover
Then of course, the choice is yours

You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is where it’s at
You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is kinda phat

Where’s the black sheep?
Here’s the black sheep
Even if we wanted to, the clock cannot be beat
Cause we swing it like this, why should we swing it like that?
Because in fact, on me it might not attract
Therefor I ignore, do as a I philaside
I live with me, I’ve got my back tonight
Y’know what I’m sayin’?
Yo, black, I’m not playin’
Neither go with this and go with this with no delay
And see in actuality
One the canopy I make it look easy because it is to me
Anytime capacity, what’s up, try to rock it
Anytime a honey gave us play, try to mock it
Never was a fool, so we finished school
Never see us sweat and you’ll never see us drool
Out to rock the globe while it’s still here to rock
Don’t punch girls and we don’t punch a clock
Gotta go, gotta go, see you later by the cat
And you can’t beat that with a bat

You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is where it’s at
You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is kinda phat

Engine engine number nine
On the New York transit line
If my train falls off the track
Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!

Back on the scene, crispy and clean
You could try but don’t work cause you can’t intervene
We be the outcasts, down for the setter
Won’t play rock, won’t play the pebble
Open the door, you best believe we’re sliding through it swiftly
Niftily, we could make it hip to be
What we are ’cause what we be
Be the epitome
Doo dah dippity
So now I dwell just to say it plainer
Hold your cup ’cause I got the container
Pass the plate up, cross the fader
Black sheep could play like the Sony innovator
Never a traitor, party of later
And you can get a scoop later

You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is where it’s at
You can get with this or you can get with that (X3)
I think you’ll get with this ’cause this is kinda phat

This experiment was quite insightful (and took fucking forever).  I think I will continue to sing my lyrics.  After all, I’m an awesome rapper.

Books I pretend I have read.

Here’s what I’m allowed to say:  I graduated from college so that proves I’m smart!  (Albeit a college that has since gone out of business, but whatevs.)  People may or may not be shocked to find out that I didn’t fully read some of the required educational literature from 6th grade until I graduated from college and I’ve been sort of lying about it ever since.  Assignments were boring and life was fun.

That said, if these works come up in casual conversation, you would never guess that I hadn’t read the whole damn thing cover to cover.  I’m that good.  Try me sometime. I’ve got an understanding of the text, skimmed the chapters, maybe read a Cliff Notes or two, but there is a shameful list of literature that I haven’t actually read in its entirety.  These are works on which I’ve written full papers, done deep analysis and about which I’ve given amazing oral presentations.  This speaks volumes about my ability to glean context, extrapolate subtext and bullshit like the dickens.

Here is my shameful list:

The Hound of the Baskervilles – Bor-ring.  I read the first few chapters and gave up.  The final project was a diorama — the golden gift assignment for the bullshitter.

Huckleberry Finn – OMG, he’s friends with a black guy!  N-word, n-word, river raft, who cares?

Hamlet – I think he goes mad because he has an uncle-dad or something.

King Lear – He’s got some daughters and something happens.

The Scarlet Letter – No one in town likes Hester Prynne.  Spoiler alert: it was the priest.

The Odyssey – Something about a journey where a lot of stuff happens.  I read the interesting parts.

Paradise Lost – I think I wrote a 15 page paper analyzing other people’s analysis and never actually read the whole book.  It’s friggin’ LONG.

The Stranger – That song by The Cure is a way better synopsis.

With this list in mind, please note that there is a much longer list of books that I actually did read.   I hope none of my former teachers read this.  Will that void my diploma?

The Rules.

I’m sure I’m not the first to come up with the idea of a list of rules or guidelines for stand-up comedians.  Unfortunately, this idea runs counter to comedic philosophy.  In the comedy world, you are constantly told that there are no rules or that any rules are meant to be broken.  It’s a world where for every rule, you can find several exceptions.  And yet, I still find the need to make a list of rules – rules of etiquette that I feel should be obvious.  Keep in mind, I don’t dare fancy myself an authority on this stuff.  I’m a simple comedian, trying to make it big.  If I were an expert, I’d be big already, right?  I’m still learning, still growing, so maybe I’m still new enough to think there should be some rules.  Here’s my first one:

Rule number 1: Don’t insult people just for coming to see you perform.

I see this all the time.  There’s a show that’s not well attended and there are only five people in the audience.  Five kind-hearted normal people who came out to have a good time, see some comedy and have a chuckle.  These are not five people who came out to be berated and insulted for not being 40 people.  They can’t help it.  These are the people who showed up.  When comedians take out their aggression on a small crowd for not being a bigger crowd, it makes me cringe.  It makes everyone uncomfortable and makes these poor innocent people not ever want to see live comedy again.

This happens: The comedian will come out and say, “Look at you five idiots.  Why are you here?  Didn’t you losers have anything better to do tonight?”  No, they paid to come out and see you entertain them.  They should be thanked.  They shouldn’t have to defend themselves for being a small audience.  Again, that’s not their fault.  It’s like throwing a birthday party to which no one comes and then yelling at the one friend who does show up.  It defies logic, it’s uncomfortable and it’s rude.

Unless they make it abundantly clear that they deserve otherwise, always be nice to your audience.  Your small audience of today is your big audience of tomorrow.  Each one of those five people could have five friends who have five friends and you need that kind of exponential admiration to fill Giant’s Stadium one day.  So be nice.

Simpsons plots not yet used.

I say nuts to those who say the Simpsons have run out of plots.   Ideas are all around us.  Here are 20 completely original plot ideas I just thought of off the top of my head:

1. Lisa and Bart fall in love and Lisa gets knocked up and decides to have it.  Is Bart a father or an uncle?
2. Marge gets bladder cancer and can’t help but pee everywhere.  Comedy ensues as she buys adult diapers for herself at the same time that she gets baby diapers for Maggie.  Will she learn to cope?
3. Principal Skinner bans pencils and pens in school after Martin, while defending Bart, stabs Kearney in the neck with a pencil, paralyzing him from the neck down.  Can the school afford laptop computers for every student?
4. Bart accidentally kills Maggie in a trashcan fire and replaces her with another baby that he stole from a homeless shelter.  How long until the family notices Maggie is Hispanic?
5. Krusty the Clown finds out Marge is his real mother and moves in only to regress to infancy.  Will Marge be able to wean him off the nipple?
6. Comic book store guy has complications from gastric bypass surgery and learns that true beauty is on the inside.  Will the comic book store suffer?
7. Bart meets a wacky scientist who sends him back in time where he meets a young Marge and has to get her to fall in love with a young Homer, lest Bart never be born.
8. Thelma and Patti gun down Mayor Quimby when he won’t legalize gay marriage in Springfield.  They hide in a cave and become very pale.
9. Homer loses his job and to help make ends meet, Bart starts giving blow-jobs to patrons of Moe’s Tavern through a glory hole in the bathroom.  Comedy ensues when Homer becomes his best customer.  Does Bart know it’s him?
10. Groundskeeper Willie violently rapes Mrs. Krabappel at a school dance.  Was she asking for it?  The viewer decides!
11. A mysterious new illegal drug sweeps Springfield making everyone really sleepy.  Was the drug introduced by the new local coffee shop?  Or will people be too sleepy to uncover the mystery?
12. On a dare, Marge kills a weird loner, skins him and wears his skin to her bookclub the next day.
13. Lisa gets athletes foot.
14. In a crazy mix-up, Apu has to host Saturday Night Live at the last minute with no rehearsals at all.  Can he pull it off or will he kill the show forever?
15. In a highly publicized medical case, Maggie’s anus starts producing office supplies.  Will doctors figure out how it’s happening or will the family count their blessing in free paperclips?
16. Turns out, Ned Flanders is a pedophile.  Rod and Todd (and maybe some viewers) have known for years but how exactly do Bart and Lisa find out?
17. The affirmative action episode!  Dr. Hibbert only got his doctor job because he’s black.  Does that make him a bad doctor?
18. Disco Stu shamefully develops a taste for human flesh but keeps it a secret from his latest girlfriend.  Will she love him enough get him the help he needs?
19. Homer finds the perfect cantaloupe at the supermarket only to find out it’s a giant tumor.  Will it still be delicious?
20. Milhouse learns to mix methamphetamines from Sudafed to make extra money so he can buy Lisa a Christmas gift.  But will he get hooked and lose his teeth?

To the writers of The Simpsons: you’re welcome!

As if being on vacation isn’t enough…

Ya gotta play some cruise ship bingo!

I like to keep myself entertained.  Sometimes, a fun thing to do is to make a list of things one might expect to see at a place or event and then lay them out in the form of a bingo game and try to “win.”  For example, when going to an Autumn craft fair in New Hampshire, my brother, boyfriend and I played a round of “Autumn Craft Fair in New Hampshire Bingo” that included spotting things like: a crying baby, an ugly dish with a likeness of Santa on it, overpriced handmade soap, and something made out of a corn husk.  We had great success and it made a boring ol’ craft fair seem like a fun little scavenger hunt.  Keeps it interesting, dig?

So, without further ado, here is my bingo card for the cruise upon which I am about to embark.  Some are easier than others but this should keep me entertained.  If I have a camera, I will try to take photo-proof.  Otherwise, you’ll just have to trust me.  Wish me luck!

My cruise ship bingo card:

I gots the FoMO.

I was recently introduced to a concept that resonated with me.  It’s called FoMO.  (Not to be confused with “mofo” which is short for “motherfucker.”)  No, my new favorite concept is FoMO which stands for “Fear of Missing Out.”  In a sentence: “I was exhausted but I had some serious FoMO so I forced myself to go out anyway.”  It’s when you’re sitting around and there’s a party/event/gig that you’re not sure if you want to attend but then you realize that your fear is that if you don’t go, you will miss something.  Nothing is worse than leaving a party and having your friends tell you the next day that you missed this amazing wild thing that happened right after you left.  But you don’t want to be the loser who refuses to leave a party either.  I’ve tried perfecting the art of leaving a party once I’ve determined that nothing else interesting will happen.

When I was little, my mother had a hard time convincing me to go to bed.  Not because I was difficult, but because I was sure that after I went to sleep, all the interesting things would happen.  Adult things, secret things.  The worst was when mom was having friends over and I’d have to go to bed early.  I’d lay in bed and listen to the waves of grown-up laughter downstairs.  It infuriated me that adults could laugh so hard and not even think of including me.  I think this early-development FoMO is what made me want to make people laugh.  Oh, to be on the inside track of what makes the grown-ups downstairs laugh.

In college, I had a job in a bakery.  The job required me to be present and on my game at 5:00am.  That’s an ungodly hour for anyone, let alone a college student, to have to fake being awake.  It was FoMO that kept me at parties until 4:00 where I would reluctantly excuse myself to go home, shower, change and go off to work.  FoMO prevented me from sleeping for months at a time.  And, in FoMO’s defense, it was all worth it.  It’s the wacky adventures that makes people long for their college days.  (Certainly not the exams and papers.)

And now, I have FoMO for comedy gigs manifested in the fear that if I don’t get out and do comedy every night, I will miss something.  Some key element that will help propel my comedy career to the top — finally wording a new joke perfectly, a fateful meeting with a soon-to-be famous producer, bombing or killing so extremely that I really learn something — I don’t want to miss any of that.  I did a gig last Saturday that ended at 7pm.  Afterward, all the comics were talking about which gig they were off to next.  I already had non-comedy-related plans with friends that I was looking forward to, but damn, did I feel the FoMO for all the gigs was wasn’t doing Saturday night.

Life is nothing if not a balancing act.  Lately for me, the balance seems to have four rings:  Comedy, things-I-do-to-pay-rent, socializing and sleep.  I’m assuming that some of these  will converge in the future.  (Can’t I make money doing comedy with my friends in my sleep?  Let’s get on that!)  Often, when I’m doing one, I have FoMO for another, which I know is a terrible and very un-Zen thing to say.  And sleep is the first to go since I can’t really miss anything (except sanity) while sleep.  Ah, FoMO, the best new acronym for disquiet that regulates my life.

Apologies to Miley Cyrus.

Damn that new Miley Cyrus song that’s stuck in everyone’s head like the death-vice of a new catchy pop-music song.  However, I recently had a revelation about that song that I would like to share.  Tell me if I’m alone in misunderstanding the subtleties of the lyrics of Party in the USA.

Here is the chorus of the song:

So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song
And the butterflies fly away
Noddin’ my head like yeah
Moving my hips like yeah

Now, I first heard that as “They’re playing MY song” as in, “Me, Miley Cyrus, MY song, the-song-I-sing-that-gets-played-on-the-radio-because-I’m-famous.”

Instead, the lyric is “They’re playing my SONG” as in, “The song I like, the-song-that-gets-me-excited-and-to-which-I-can-relate.”

Since I first heard that song months ago, until now, I thought the lyrics were really self-centered.  As in: “Gee, Miley, not everyone has songs played on the radio like you do.  I can’t relate to your ego-maniac lyrics.  Like, I’m sad until my song comes on the radio.  What kind of pop-star bubble are you living in?  I mean, it’s nice to be famous but you should learn about the real world.  Not everyone is a famous pop-star at 14 years old. Jeez.”

But as of yesterday, I understand the lyrics as when I’m feeling down and nervous, hearing my favorite song on the radio helps me forget my worries as in:  “Miley’s just like me.  I get scared and nervous until I hear my favorite song on the radio.  Then I nod my head like yeah and shake my hips like yeah.  This song is totally relatable to my life and to the human condition writ large.”

The other part of the lyrics that I now understand in this new context are:

And a Jay-Z song was on
And a Jay-Z song was on
And a Jay-Z song was on**

And later:

And a Britney song was on
And a Britney song was on
And a Britney song was on

Until yesterday, I understood that to mean, “these are the other famous people who are played on the radio in addition to my famous pop tunes.”  Now I understand it as, “these are some examples of the songs that I enjoy that make me move my hips like yeah.”

Sheesh.  Duh on me.  Maybe I’m getting too old to understand these kids and their music.  My apologies to Miley for misunderstanding her awesome and totally relatable lyrics. I will now make an effort to  move my hips like yeah.

**(It did come out that Miley doesn’t even listen to Jay-Z but whatever — it’s not like she claimed to have written the song.  For the record, the song we love to hate was written by Lukasz Gottwald, Claude Kelly and Jessica Cornish.)

What a busy December I’m having.

So, here’s a tip: If you ever host a party and invite a lot of really awesome, funny and creative, yet lewd and perverted friends over and get them drunk, hide the dry erase marker from the calendar on your fridge.

See if you can guess the events that were there before the party and the events that mysteriously appeared on the calendar after the party:

12/1 – TV Day
12/4 – Carrie Hosts Gotham
12/5 – Housewarming
12/6 – Buy Tiff a gift day
12/8 – Put more sexy baby pictures on fridge
12/10 – Reduce anal leakage!
12/12 – Give Edith $1,000 day. 2pm
12/16 – Penile Enlargement
12/17 – High Colonic
12/18 – Low Colonic
12/19 – Laundry
12/23 – Penile Enlargement
12/24 – Snow is like coke!!
12/25 – JC’s B-day party BYOB
12/26 – ♥ Your Gaga
12/28 – Anus flush/Neti pot
12/29 – Vagina filthification day
12/30 – Vagina cleanse/Penile Enlargement
12/31 – Hyman reconstruction
1/1 – Beginning of your white history month

Any guesses?