Posts filed under ‘Carrie's life’

Top Ten Hurricane Irene Social Media Clichés.

What a crazy weekend!  Now that it’s all over and most of us survived, we can look back and have a chuckle.  I was glued to Facebook and Twitter for the storm and noticed some trends.  And I’m certainly guilty of a few of these (definitely #1 and #10).  How many did you do?  Can you think of any that I missed?

In no particular order, here are The Top Ten Hurricane Irene Social Media Clichés:

1) Booze as emergency supplies.

Example: Pictured: A gallon of Jack Daniels.  Caption: “Emergency supplies!”

2) Equating things a hurricane does to sexual things a woman might do.

Example: “Blows,” “Gets you wet,” and “Weakens.”

3) Reports of coffee establishment status.

Example: “OMFG! Starbucks is closed!”

4) Saying “Good night, Irene.”

5) Changing the lyrics from Dexys Midnight Runners’ song “Come on Eileen” to “Come on Irene.”

6) Mentioning the person in your life named Irene and personifying the storm accordingly.

Example: “Not to worry, if Hurricane Irene is anything like my cousin Irene, it just means we’ll get an ugly sweater for Christmas.”

7) Picture of fallen tree.

8 ) Being disappointed in the downgrade to tropical storm.

Example: “Is that all ya’ got, Irene?!”

9) Being horrified that other people are disappointed it was downgraded to tropical storm.

Example: “How can you be upset by a downgrade?  Just be glad everyone is safe.”

10) Reports about what peoples’ parents are saying or doing.

Example: “My mother just called and told me to get an umbrella. Uh, thanks, Mom.”

August 29, 2011 at 1:05 pm 1 comment

Birthday love: The final tally.

Well, I just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t track every little detail of my life.  I was curious about how many birthday wishes I got on my Facebook wall.  (Curiosity?  Really?  That’s what it was?  Or was I motivated by ego alone?  I’m weak.  Don’t judge.)  So I started counting and realized that “birthday wishes” are indeed a loose term.  Do “Have a great day!” and “Ur old” and “Get drunk tonight!” technically count as “birthday wishes”?  I mean, does the word “birthday” need to appear for it to be a birthday wish?  I have no idea.  I got some wishes in other languages that I can only assume are happy birthday wishes.  (I mean, death threats in Latin on my birthday would be just plain mean, right?)  And here it is:

I got roughly 212 messages of happy wishes on my birthday.  Roughly 17% of my total friendship roster.  Is that good?  Is that a lot?  Of course, there’s no way to know because I’m the only winner cool enough to tally up birthday love.  Did it work?  Do I feel loved yet?

August 1, 2011 at 11:30 am Leave a comment

Happy new year! For me.

I had a birthday on July 27th.  I had my usual existential crisis of being psyched to have a birthday but unpsyched to be aging yet again.  Can’t have both, it seems.

My mother took me to a fancy-ass lunch at the exclusive members only dining room at The Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Those who know me well know that I pretty much live at The Met.  It is my favorite place in the world.  And yet, I refuse to shell out the $60 it would take to be a member to eat in the fancy-ass special dining room.  That’s why I keep my fancy-ass mother around.  She’s good like that.

On my way home from lunch with my mother, my father called.  I’m omitting the boring details but here was pretty much the conversation:

Me: Hi, Dad!
Dad: Hi, Care!  How are you?
Me: Good.
Dad: Just wanted to let you know that [family news].
Me: Okay, have a safe flight.
Dad: And something else… oh, I wanted to let you know that [family health news].
Me: Okay, good to know.  Keep me posted.
Dad: Something else… something else…
Me: … [keeps from laughing]
Dad: Well, I guess that’s it.
Me: Okay, bye.
Dad: Bye.

Did you see that?  He totally forgot to wish me a happy birthday!  How cool is that?!  I don’t think my father has ever seen the classic Molly Ringwald movie Sixteen Candles wherein the main character’s entire family forgets her sixteenth birthday but I was thrilled to be a part of this inadvertent tribute.

The best part about my conversation with Dad is that I could tell he knew he forgot something — he just couldn’t remember what.  He had a lot he wanted to tell me and got sidetracked and just forgot the main purpose of the call.  And I was no help.  It was too glorious and funny.  Later, I went out to allow my friends to get me completely drunk and feed me cupcakes (see photo) — as that’s what “adults” do for birthdays.  I was happily recounting the story of Dad forgetting when he called to officially wish me a happy birthday.  So all was set right again.

And now I’m slightly hungover and year older and there are 364 days until the madness begins again.  My birthday goal is to write more because, y’know, I’m a special sacred gift to the world and this is one way for me to share my awesomeness.

July 28, 2011 at 7:19 pm Leave a comment

24 Hours in ONE DAY?

I’m shopping for a new bank. I really don’t think that “24-hour ATMs” are quite the selling point they once were. In this modern age, I expect an ATM to be available 24 hours a day. It shouldn’t be the first bullet point in your short list of reasons why I should do my business with your bank. It’s like the hotel that still advertises “Color TV” in its ads. Really? ALL the colors? On one TV? Wow.  Sign me up.  Welcome to the future.

January 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm 1 comment

The No-Legs Diet.

Happy new year!  I trust everyone had a happy good time as the year changed from one to the next.  After eating nothing but beef and pork for about a month to “celebrate the holidays,” my resolution is to practice my famous diet called The No-Legs Diet.

The No-Legs Diet is this: I will not eat the flesh of an animal that had legs at the time of its death. Meaning, I can eat fish and eggs but not beef, pork, chicken or any sea creature that crawls.

When I first came up with this diet, I explained it to a few friends. People love to try to find loopholes in my awesome diet plan. I think the Frequently Asked Questions about this diet are far more entertaining than the diet itself. In that vein, I present to you:

Frequently Asked Questions about the No-Legs Diet. (Actual questions I’ve gotten over the years.)

Reminder: The No-Legs Diet involves not eating the flesh of an animal that had legs at the time of its death.

1. Can you eat an egg?
Yes, an egg is an embryo and thus has no legs and is thereby edible under the terms of this diet.

2. Can you eat a mutant cow that was born with no legs?
Yes, a mutant cow born with no legs would be edible under this diet. However, I would need proof that it was such a cow.

3. Similarly, can you eat a mutant salmon that was born with legs?
No, under the rules of this diet, I would not be able to eat a mutant salmon born with legs.

4. Do tentacles count as legs?
I get this question a lot. Tentacles do not count as legs. I define a leg as an appendage which includes one or multiple joints. Therefore, I can eat squid but not shrimp.

5. If there was a freak cow born with legs that didn’t have any joints, thus not a leg by your definition, could you eat that?
Yes, but again, I would need proof of said cow.

6. What about clams, oysters and mussels?
Those are all fine. While they have an appendage that resembles a foot, I don’t consider it to be a leg and therefore, those are acceptable.

7. What about spiders?
No, I wouldn’t be able to eat spiders under the terms of this diet.

8. What about worms?
Yes, I would be able to eat worms while adhering to this diet.

9. How long can you possibly keep this up?
Luckily, I already failed and had some turkey by mistake like an idiot.  But I’m back on track and will continue my super fantastic diet until I don’t feel like it any more.  Won’t you join me?   I’m hoping it catches on and I can sell the book rights.

10. Is this the same diet that Jane Gavin wrote about on the famous Jane’s Plastic Brain Train blog on April 10th, 2007?
Yes – with slight changes. You win a prize for knowing that.

January 2, 2011 at 11:28 pm 2 comments

Here’s your $100, D-man.



This is the first time in my life I’ve lived in a building with a reliable super.  When he shows up, he gets shit done.  And with a smile.  This is new for me.  Most of my experiences in NYC housing have been pulling teeth with a cheap and mean/rude/abusive landlord.  (One time, I called my former landlord when the electricity went out.  His reply?  “It’s night time, what do you need electricity for?  Go to sleep.”)  But now, I have a great super.  He’s good with elevator chit-chat and he’s fast with a drill.  And thus, he deserves to be thanked at end-of-year-holiday-thanking time.

But alas, there’s one thing about him that sucks.  I have no idea what his name is.  Well, I can say it, sort of, I just can’t spell it.  And without knowing that, it’s hard to drop $100 into a personalized card — it just feels awkward.  It’s either Dimitri, Demitri, Demetri, Demetrius, or Demitre.  Or something like that.  And there’s no way to find out.  This year I thought we’d found our answer when we got a holiday card from him.  Finally!  It was signed, I swear, “Super and family” — no names.  He’s like a spy or something.

How bad is it to get a greeting card with your name completely misspelled?  Does the $100 soften the blow?  I think I’ll just fill out the card, “Roger, happy holidays to you and yours.”  That way, I’m so far off that it’s funny and he’ll think I’m being a kooky kook.  Good plan, right?  Who doesn’t love a kooky kook card with cash in it?

December 22, 2010 at 9:33 pm Leave a comment

The 9 to 5.

It’s officially been six months since I’ve had an office job.  Here are the pros and cons as I see them.

Pros: Each day is my own.  I am my own boss.  I control the dress code, the sexual harassment policy, the vacation schedule, the company holiday card and the coffee break timetable.  It’s all mine and there’s a sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing that the money I earn is earned doing what I love doing and what I am meant to be doing.  Each day my hands move toward the goal of making myself completely aligned and in flow with my ultimate purpose.  It’s enormously satisfying and fulfilling.

Cons: I don’t drink as much water as I used to.

That’s how I see it.  Now, back to work.

December 12, 2010 at 4:53 pm 2 comments

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Thursday, December 1st
Ed Sullivan On Acid Comedy Show
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New York, NY

Sunday, December 11th
Jazz on the Park


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